Recovering From Excessive Guilt About Past Events

By Michael Bodhi-Peters, from Kent, England.

I am a Real Event OCD sufferer who is now experiencing positive recovery.  If I can, you can!

OCD is a highly distressing condition to live with.  It has been ranked by the World Health Organization in the top 10 most debilitating illnesses a person can experience.  It is a condition I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I know there are many people out there in a private mental hell.

Real Event OCD is a form of OCD where a person becomes excessively stuck on a real past event - and repeatedly worries that it proves they are a bad, immoral, or dangerous person. Typical symptoms include intrusive thoughts about the event, intense guilt or shame, constant mental reviewing of what happened, and seeking reassurance from others or online.  The person may replay memories, analyse their intentions, or compare themselves to others in an effort to feel certain or forgiven - but the anxiety usually returns, keeping them trapped in a cycle of doubt and self-blame.

Real Event OCD has been at the top of my hierarchy of OCD themes for many years. There have been prolonged periods of dread, panic, and despair about past events related to addictive behaviours I have struggled with.  I have ducked out of work to call crisis helplines, curled up in the fetal position in my house, hidden in toilets to compulsively analyse and ruminate for many hours.  Relationships, career, and basic sanity have been threatened at times.  

Things came to a head for me in Spring 2024.  Work stresses combined with active REOCD and addiction issues brought me to a point of total overwhelm.  I broke down to my partner and family, asking to be taken to hospital in the hope that someone could just strap me to a bed, knock me out with sedatives and switch off my consciousness for a few weeks.  I didn’t want to die as such, but I did want someone to just to take all the thoughts away and allow me a long break from my own mind.

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Now for the hopeful part!  

This proved to be a turning point in my relationship with OCD.  Having received the gift of desperation, I finally began to recognise that a fearful existence was no longer sustainable and would only cause more pain for me and my loved ones in future.  I decided to acknowledge my poor mental health and to dedicate myself to OCD recovery for the first time.

The main recovery tools which have supported me along the way are:

· Therapy – which helped me to build a more compassionate understanding of how OCD tries to keep me safe, in its own distorted way, and how I can learn to let go of compulsions as a defense mechanism.

· Medication - which reduced my intrusive thoughts and bodily anxiety enough to enable me to practice non-rumination.

· Peer recovery groups for OCD and addiction - which provided an incredible supportive and validating environment to talk about uncomfortable feelings.

· Support from select family members and friends.  

· Looking after my mind and body better - with gentle exercise, meditation and re-learning the value of rest.  

For anyone out there struggling with obsessive thoughts or fears about past events in their lives, please hear that you are not alone – and that recovery is possible.

I feel incredibly grateful for recovery and all the tools I’ve been taught along the way.  The last two years have been the most spiritually and emotionally fulfilling I can remember – and I’m now sustaining a happy and healthy life as a father, partner, employee and general human being.   

The same is possible for you, and I send you my best wishes - whatever past events you’re struggling with.

If you would like to read more about Real Event OCD and tools of recovery, you can find my story here:  https://www.realeventocd.co.uk/