Social Anxiety: Appreciation and Self-Compassion

My experiences with social anxiety have ebbed and flowed over the years, with an overall upward trend of improvement (thank goodness). I signed up for my first Improv Comedy class a couple of years ago. I figured getting socially uncomfortable could only be good for me in the long run. I was excited and nervous to start. I had never experienced so much social anxiety, comparison, and self-condemnation as I did during and after those first two classes. I noticed my mind telling me how "weird" and "awkward" I was. It told me I was flat-out "inappropriate" and "people didn't like me." My mind didn’t stop there—it got mean. It told me I wasn’t just awkward, but fundamentally flawed. "You’re a piece of shit," it said. And I believed it. At least for a while. My drive home from those classes was miserable. Not only was I anxious and uncomfortable in these classes, but I was also upset at myself for feeling this way.

When I reflect on why my reaction was so strong, it actually makes a lot of sense. Our brains are wired for survival, and historically, being accepted by a group was essential. To be rejected by the tribe could mean being left alone in a dangerous world. So, even in an improv class, my nervous system interpreted awkwardness as a threat - a threat to my survival.

Constantly monitoring our social standing is one of the ways our brains try to keep us connected—and safe. This could take the form of making inferences about what I think other people think (mind reading). I might do this by analyzing their facial expressions, tone of voice, or verbal response. It might also take the form of intense self-monitoring like, "Did what I just said make sense? Does my breath stink? Is my face doing something weird?” No matter how the anxiety showed up, it seems to be rooted in a need to belong, to be included, to be accepted. Seeing this can help us have appreciation for social anxiety and compassion for ourselves and others.

The next time anxiety or self-condemnation shows up in a social setting, consider that it may be coming from a place deep within, dating back to the early times of humans. This drive to belong is there to ensure our survival. Thank goodness it's there at all! Can I have some appreciation for it? Even just a little? I can guarantee other people feel similarly at times, too. This drive to belong is ubiquitous in many species. We are not alone in this. I know how bad my experience in improv class felt, and if I knew a good friend was feeling that exact same way, I'd like to alleviate his suffering if I could. And if I couldn't, I would definitely be kind to him. That kindness is available to us, too. Let’s not forget to offer it to ourselves.

The more compassion we can offer ourselves in moments of fear, the more we create space for connection—not just with others, but with ourselves.